saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
