Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
