Umm I'm too high to move.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
pray to the hookup gods
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
