Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
