What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
