I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
