Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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