My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
if only i could text you this smell
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
