Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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