do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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