I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
