you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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