Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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