Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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