i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
