____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize