Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
