life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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