You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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