Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
