everyone is single if you try hard enough
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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