Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
