ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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