If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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