You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
