sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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