i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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