I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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