You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
