you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I would fuck him just for his dog
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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