She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
