Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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