i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize