then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
