my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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