They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
