I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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