Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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