Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
