Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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