Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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