Got a toothbrush?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
