dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
