I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
