franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
