I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
