Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
