This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
