Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
