dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
