When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
dude. I can hear the air.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
