i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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