Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my vag is so smooth its legendary
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
