You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
