hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
