The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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