....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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