Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
