There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
