Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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