dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
