I can tuck mytits in my pants
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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