Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
