On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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