Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
