i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
