Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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