I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
