I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
