You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
