note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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