1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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