They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
