Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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