Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
we're so committed to being not committed
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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