I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
